143

There are so many numbers floating around in my head: 12 steps, October 4th, 7 weeks since Panthea found out about my betrayal, 3 times in 2 days, 500 watts vs 1200 watts, our monthly sales volume, inventory levels, taxes out the ass, my mom's red blood cell - white blood cell - platelet levels, 15 MPG in the new truck, apple's stock price, and it goes on and on.

I haven't been able to concentrate much lately. I read the same passage over and over again, but the words rarely stick. I read the just for today reflection in the morning and I forget it by the afternoon. I'm getting very frustrated because everything feels more difficult, not easier. I wake up in a bad mood sometimes. I get sad often. I knew that this was going to happen. I knew that it was going to take a while for the reality of the break-up to sink in. This is the reason why I need a support group. This is what I spend half my time talking to the shrink about. I hurt and I want to act out with drugs, food, sex, and shopping. It's all on the list and in the front of my brain. I have trouble praying because my mind wanders. I have trouble sharing because my emotions ebb and flow from one feeling to the next.

In spite of all this, and with rare exception, in the middle of all the thoughts and feelings (during the day or at night) I tend to notice the time on the clock - 1:43 - I Love You. Almost with out fail, on a daily basis, I catch 1:43. Say whatever you want about coincidence, but I don't check the clock very much during the day. Regardless of the reason I see it I know that what it stands for is true. Panthea, 143...20005

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.