So now what?

Ever feel like the ground is shaky under your feet? That each step you take in what you thought was the right direction leaves you on the same ground with out solid footing? Me too.

I want to make a point of saying that God has blessed me with many things and good people in my life. I have friends who love me and care. I have a business that is doing fine. I have some family (Michelle and Grandma) who show their love and desire to be a unit on a regular basis.

Last time I wrote about how my family has drifted apart since my Mom died. That's true, but it's mainly my Dad. He's been out of touch and all I can do is continue to do my part and hope he responds. We spoke for almost 2 hours last night. We caught up, but didn't share anything intimately personal. Maybe it'll be that way from now on. I don't know.

My relationship with Panthea is still on loose ground. Again, it's not as if we fight anymore which is what makes it strange. We spent some time together on Sunday. I enjoyed myself... some food, conversation, a bit of walking and people watching. Afterwards I went back to her place and we cuddled a bit on the couch. At some point I noticed that she started to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she said to me I don't see how this can work between us. Wow. This isn't the first time she's said that to me over the past few weeks so the words weren't new, but the timing really threw me. I was sitting there with my arms around her thinking that this is the first time in a long time I've gotten to enjoy time with her and she had a whole different set of thoughts running through her head. It's unsettling.... loose ground under my feet regardless of which direction I turn. I actually have to force myself to talk to her because I feel like she'll decide to grenade the whole thing on a whim. It's kind of a scary place to be when saying you're in a relationship.

I prayed on this situation. I don't want God to fix anything... I'm not asking for that. I just want to know what's right. I don't know. Am I being foolish? Is it over? Is this just a rough patch that will make us closer and stronger in the long run? I understand the need for faith. Third step stuff. A belief that God will take care of me in the long run. That being aware of God's will and following that path will always have me in his grace. It's worked that way in the past. I've done all that I can to play my part with a pure heart. I just wish that I felt better about where it's taken me and us for that matter. Even though I'm relatively calm with my reactions to life on life's terms right now I know that this uncertainty is taking a toll on me. I'm sleeping more than I ever have before and I can't eat anything and take a normal shit. I've lost 10 pounds in a week with out trying and just don't have an appetite. On the bright side, no more ice cream and my clothes fit better. Um, thanks God?

One of the most profound slogans I've heard in NA is that we need to give time time. We have time. There are days and weeks and months and years ahead of us. Even though the order of the world isn't the way I would like it to be right now doesn't mean that I won't feel differently at another point in time. Stay the path. Love...hmm, love what? Love those whose hearts are open and do the best I can with the rest of you knuckleheads? I guess that's all anyone can do, right? I know that living any other way just isn't what I want to be a part of anymore. So in spite of what is trying to creep out from under the surface, I will carry on with my heart open as well.

I know that sometimes
You will be far from me, my love
But I do not like it
The truth is I can barely stand it
For then it seems that everything is far from me, and
The winds that blew me, from
My horrible solitude, to
This beautiful place
Have died down
left me stranded
In some diseased and lonesome way
I feel less than complete
Much less than satisfied with myself
All my gifts
Those personal trinkets
So pleasing to you
Mean nothing to me
Salt on my tongue
Splash of purple behind my eyelids
Tightness in my neck
I hate that I need you so, but
I do
I simply do
-Brother Ray

Take a deep breath

Life's difficulties are coming at me from many different directions. My family is drifting apart. I do what I can to stay connected with them, but my efforts haven't changed the situation very much. Mother's day is this weekend so I'm sure it's kicking up difficult feelings for them just as it is for me. My relationship with Panthea is really strained. We're going in different directions, rarely see each other, and never have sex anymore. For awhile we fighting during every conversation. Lately we don't fight, but I think that's because we rarely talk. I listen to what she's saying... her perspective on how she looks at me now and it's clear that our relationship is in jeopardy. There is still love between us, but I wonder how much of it is residual and how much of it is still "being in love." Professionally my world has been rocky. I have 3 warehouse guys: one of them was on his honeymoon this week and one of them has been out sick for 4 of the 5 days this week. Since it really takes people to effectively get orders out the door, the task of taking up the slack has fallen on my shoulders. I've been getting to the shop around 7 in the morning, working in the office until about 10, then going into the warehouse until 4 or 5 to pack things into boxes and build skids, then back into the office to answer a stack of messages and answer e-mails. Maybe it's karma. I had to fire a sales guy because he had too many outside issues and since I have like zero karma credit with God this is his way of saying that I should have been more patient. In spite of our best efforts our overall sales are kind of flat. I'm trying to do things with the business that are new to us. I don't have staff with experience to get these things done with out me. I try to delegate and point people in the right direction. I  encourage them to use their initiative and try to learn on their own. It hasn't worked. I now finally understand the proper context for the phrase "pissing up a rope." The more reach that I try to give other people in our organization the more often they come back to me for help. I don't know either guys... download the trial and see if it works, call the tech support and ask questions... TRY!!! Speaking of trying... I'm trying to lose weight, but it's a struggle because I'm eating to make myself feel better (ice cream is yummy). It's frustrating to struggle with this. Last year I was running and eating healthy, this year I can't stick to the program. I feel like eating is the only thing that makes me feel good right now.When I think about each of these individually I'm able to sustain a decent mindset, but when I take it in all together I find myself crying.

Everyone has difficulties. Mine just seem to happen all at once.

For anyone who actually has real life stress, I offer you this piece of advice: We can't control what they do, but we can control what we allow them to do to us.

Keep your chin up.

-Tom