Thursday, December 29, 2011
It's good to be home
I spent the Christmas holiday with my family in Florida. A lot of food, good times, and some awesome gifts. I'll miss having everyone together, but there is nothing like being back in your own bed for a good night's sleep. Life starts again tomorrow...
Thursday, December 22, 2011
5 Years Clean Today, Bitches! WOOP
Holy crap! It's been 5 years since I've had a drink or used drugs. I'd like to thank the academy...
I feel awesome today. It's a milestone for me and I'm able to reflect on the changes in my life. First and foremost I look forward to my future. It's wonderful to be able to look forward and see so many possibilities. The only reason for any of this is that I've been able to stay clean. The clean time has been put to good use, but with out the clean time none of what I have or the possibilities to come would exist... lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise!
My gratitude has been flowing these past 3 months. A friend of mine moved to TX and he was nervous about the new place and the great new job. He shared that the fear of the new surroundings and situations would keep him vigilant in his recovery. I spoke to him after the meeting that night and reminded him that fear is a negative emotion and that our literature cautions us to against using a negative emotion as a motivator. I urged him to use gratitude instead. I am grateful for being alive, the love of my family and friends, and the life that I have right now.
While my family and friends, both in and out of the rooms of NA, are a big factor in my recovery. My main support through these past 5 years has come from Panthea. She has been the sun that allowed my little world to develop. She has been the best friend that I've ever known. She has loved me when I didn't love myself and when I didn't do a very good job at loving anyone else. We're no longer together and I regret it. I was unfaithful over the course of our relationship. I betrayed her love and trust. She had the faith in me / us to agree to a marriage. She believed that I would remain true to her. I kept the lie of my betrayal a secret for a very long time. When the truth came out she rightfully left. The loss of her love and our relationship is a black mark on who I have become. The loss is right in my face at this holiday time. It's a reflection on the work that I should have continued to do on myself the past 3-1/2 years, it's a reflection on how limited my recovery really is, and it's the reality of something that isn't honestly one of the possibilities for my future. Being sorry doesn't begin to cover the emotion that I feel when I think about what I've done to her life and my future, but it's all I can be right now.
I have a Higher Power in my life. It works through the love of family and friends, the experience of the people that I've met in rooms of NA, the literature, and coincidence that can't be explained. There are times when I fail to embrace It. There are times when I turn away and let my defects of character get the best of me and act like an asshole. Yet, these are instances that occur from time to time and they don't define me. The times when I fail to do the right thing for myself or by others are infrequent. I'm growing and I'm moving forward. The failures don't mean that I have no integrity and the defects don't define my character. I'm flawed and I want to live better. Success can come after failure. I thank my Higher Power each day for where I am today and the all the possibilities that tomorrow holds for me.
I hope everyone has a great Christmas and a happy new year. Please keep your spirits up no matter what any other person says or does to you these next few days. If your intentions were pure then that's the only thing that matters. By the way, I have 5 years clean today, bitches!!! WOOOOOOOP!
I feel awesome today. It's a milestone for me and I'm able to reflect on the changes in my life. First and foremost I look forward to my future. It's wonderful to be able to look forward and see so many possibilities. The only reason for any of this is that I've been able to stay clean. The clean time has been put to good use, but with out the clean time none of what I have or the possibilities to come would exist... lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise!
My gratitude has been flowing these past 3 months. A friend of mine moved to TX and he was nervous about the new place and the great new job. He shared that the fear of the new surroundings and situations would keep him vigilant in his recovery. I spoke to him after the meeting that night and reminded him that fear is a negative emotion and that our literature cautions us to against using a negative emotion as a motivator. I urged him to use gratitude instead. I am grateful for being alive, the love of my family and friends, and the life that I have right now.
While my family and friends, both in and out of the rooms of NA, are a big factor in my recovery. My main support through these past 5 years has come from Panthea. She has been the sun that allowed my little world to develop. She has been the best friend that I've ever known. She has loved me when I didn't love myself and when I didn't do a very good job at loving anyone else. We're no longer together and I regret it. I was unfaithful over the course of our relationship. I betrayed her love and trust. She had the faith in me / us to agree to a marriage. She believed that I would remain true to her. I kept the lie of my betrayal a secret for a very long time. When the truth came out she rightfully left. The loss of her love and our relationship is a black mark on who I have become. The loss is right in my face at this holiday time. It's a reflection on the work that I should have continued to do on myself the past 3-1/2 years, it's a reflection on how limited my recovery really is, and it's the reality of something that isn't honestly one of the possibilities for my future. Being sorry doesn't begin to cover the emotion that I feel when I think about what I've done to her life and my future, but it's all I can be right now.
I have a Higher Power in my life. It works through the love of family and friends, the experience of the people that I've met in rooms of NA, the literature, and coincidence that can't be explained. There are times when I fail to embrace It. There are times when I turn away and let my defects of character get the best of me and act like an asshole. Yet, these are instances that occur from time to time and they don't define me. The times when I fail to do the right thing for myself or by others are infrequent. I'm growing and I'm moving forward. The failures don't mean that I have no integrity and the defects don't define my character. I'm flawed and I want to live better. Success can come after failure. I thank my Higher Power each day for where I am today and the all the possibilities that tomorrow holds for me.
I hope everyone has a great Christmas and a happy new year. Please keep your spirits up no matter what any other person says or does to you these next few days. If your intentions were pure then that's the only thing that matters. By the way, I have 5 years clean today, bitches!!! WOOOOOOOP!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
It's Christmas Time
December is officially here! That means the holiday season is officially here... It's Christmas Time, Baby
Although, Mr. Hop Wilson doesn't dress like Santa, he'd be welcome at my Christmas party anytime
Although, Mr. Hop Wilson doesn't dress like Santa, he'd be welcome at my Christmas party anytime
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